its been a long while since i've posted and most likely i wont post here anymore.  if i ever getting around to coding my own blog i might post that here but that is unlikely.  so far i've gotten the site up and running, i've been hired to staff one of the largest star ocean 3 till the end of time websites.  so im going to be very busy now. 

well if you guys ever really need to talk to me.  there my email.  bye guys.

I hope you guys stopped coming here...no comments please...i dont want to feel obligated to comment back.

what is beauty?  is it something i can see or is it something i can feel.  i dont know anymore.  the things i make are so ugly.  my graphics, my art, myself period.  i feel ugly their for i am.  and that is what i feel.  nothing good ever comes from my mind, my hands, or my words.  I just wish i knew what beauty was.  so in that instant i can see what i strived to create my whole life. 

i also will no longer be called mizuki.  so dont call me that.  i am now known as Deeo.  for reason only i know, yet dont fully know myself.  i envy his beauty grace but most of all the way he see's things.  to him everything is a fantasy.  and that is how i feel right now.  there is no place for me here in this era.  i know that now.  for the rest of my life i will not fit in and i accpet that fact now.  i was born to early.  in the wrong time in the wrong world.  i just cant explain it but im not meant to live in this world at this time.  im too different.  i feel like an outsider watching waiting for something but not knowing what.  nothing intrests me anymore.  im heavly contemplating no longer hanging out with my friends.  i dont feel they really are my friends.  but im afraid to leave them because i fear...i may just be alone in this world...alone....?

i dont even know what to do anymore.  im spending more time creating my website and i've finally finished but it is so ugly and i cant stand it.  everything is so ugly it is driving me crazy. 

what happened to my dream to my reality, to my mind.  i think im going to stop hanging out with my friends.  im pretty sure of it now.  i have nothing in common with them.  for they know nothing of me.

dont mistake this for depression, im am quite happy right now.  im always happy when im alone.  just me my music.  nothing else in the world can touch me when im alone. 

I want to make something of myself one day.  something worth remembering something i can be proud of.  i dont know what i want to do anymore.  but im going to stop living the lie from this day forward. 

I cant wait till matt gets back life is boring without him around.  even though he may get on my nerves at time.  he is a person who understands me quite well.  he sees the dreamer withing me he knows i wasnt born to be here.  he knows i wasnt meant to be here.  and he is still my friend. 

one day im going to move far away from my troubles.  far far away.  where i can be happy where i can find my place,  a little corner in this world to call myown.  maybe ill meet someone in this world meant for me who is a dreamer who can show me what beauty is. 

and tonight i am alone.  and i am happy to be alone for once.  i dont thing there is anyone else in the world while i write this...  just me alone in this massive world.  no one to see me cry no one to see me.  the real me. 

i feel i could write forever trying to put into words what can not even be comprehended.  im going to start drawing more art is the one thing i know will always be pure will always be mine and will always be beautiful...

Deeo?  Deeo?  Deeo?  i am Deeo...  i envy you Deeo.  I hate you Deeo... I hate your beauty...

...Deeo

well its been a while since i last updated.  i've been working on "Cestreis Designs" for the past week.  i got all the pages up its just a matter of adding content.  And designing a couple of new layouts for the sites content as well.  and im going around to other sites for possible layouts designers and people to contribute to the site.  also im looking for affiliates.  well all that stuff comes in time.  i got to get back to work coding now.  pesudo class in Css are annoying.
Cestreis Designs Go Ahead And Few the layout.

Im still going to do final touches and add a little extra stuff to the source file to give it more flare.

Edited:Why do people always let me down?  Friends arent worth anything anymore.  If all they do is take and take.  Test my paitence is all i can say to them.  test it.  But dont push it because i will tell you to go shove it at this rate.  just be warned,

life is devoid sometimes,  when what we feel should be there isnt.  Im not sad nor happy nor anything right now and thats weird.  im just, im just at peace nothing on my mind,  it feels good to just get a rest.  to let everything just pass by.

Well im not sure what to say right now because i dont know where to begin.  but i've decided to start with the problem at hand.

Its hard to make things any more,  im in a limbo between something like writers block for making anything.  so does that mean right now im in a nothing block or something?

everything for me seems to run in cycles at times i can draw, and at other times i just cant,  same thing with writing i can write sometimes and at other times not even be able to satisfy the paper with a single word.  and now it passes on to my graphic work i cant seem to do anything all the gig's of pictures i have on my computer non of them seem right to use.  i dont know if any of you ever feel this way where you just cant do something you know your good at or like and your not sure why,  but everytime you try to do it it seems like something is missing and it just doesnt meet your standards or satisfy you.  yes that is a confusing way to put what i feel.

the graphics site im working on its taking to long because i just cant find a picture to use.  sometimes i wish i had friends where i live who do graphics work like me so they could come over and help me think.

Out right i just wished someone would at the level i do, im not trying to say im smart or better then anyone what im mean is i just wish someone would think more like me,  cause i think differently then everyone.  you tell me to look at a half glass of water and ask me if i think it is half empty or half full, and id think of some weird awnser no one else wouild think of like.its not half full nor half empty but its "half missing"  yep i just see things differently.

well im pretty content right now with myself.  since im all alone in my room listening to music late at night,thinking about how is it possible to create something like those art work you see in galleries at famous art museums.  Im talking da vinchi, micheal angelo, art and stuff. im wonder how they did it how were they able to channel it the artisticness.  how did they put thoughts into something other could see.

to me thoughts and feelings remind me of ghosts they are there and not at the same time.  we rarely take time to realise that even when we trying not to think we are still thinking about something.

well this is getting stupid aint it well ill leave with this.  everyone should read the da vinchi code.  its such a good book i agree with its views totally.  plus the book proves how sexist the world still is.  and i  think everything is equal  man women life and death there is always a balence.   one is not itself without the other.  hand in hand in a way the world is.  no one wihtout another.   plus the da vinchi code reminds me of an ideal i hope one day to prove right to myself.  man and women are meant to complete each other.  each is half of the key to opening a door to unseen wonders and understanding. 

well sleep well i sure hope i can.

I've got dynasty warriors on the mind.

Night

Im sorry its takes me so long to come back here.  I did expect so much response my post,  so that you guys and girls for understand.  im taking all your advise to heart.  and because of this im becoming a better person, growing as these trials of life test me.  Im sorry to say this now but,  i seem to be having less and less time for xanga.  I feel like im going to loose my sacred journal because of my inability to manage time.  I hope it doesnt happen.  But it may be a while before i come back to xanga.  ill try to update but im not one for commenting since when i go to anyones page i feel like writing a page long entry to each of you. 

Just know how thankful i truely am for all of your guys understand and caring. 

I leave with this quote for now

"we do not move on in life because we want to, but because we must, and since we must,  it means we will move on."

My friends i sleep well tonight knowing that you are more then friends you are all family to me.